Shank’s Spiel Episode 14: Neeed…For Speed!

Let me make one thing abundantly clear. I have the need for speed. There are no two ways about it.

As I sit here writing this on Tuesday (the day before the alien mothership enters Earth’s orbit), I decided it would be absolutely awesome to dedicate an entire Spiel to my need for speed. Happily, this is also the most ludicrous way to troll Krispy.

So…if you hear of a divorce on Twitter in the near future, it’s totally Krispy’s fault.

Just why do I have this need for speed? What is it about the acceleration and eventual sustained ratio of distance to time that fascinates me so? Where does this desire come from?

Well, seeing as I command this totally awesome platform in Shank’s Spiel, allow me to leverage its reach in ways perhaps deemed totally unnecessary by many.

In order to fully understand my need for speed, we must look to the great prophets of our time.

It was the great Ice Cube who once prophetically proclaimed, “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Such is the creed by which my need for speed begins. As Mr. Cube said, checking oneself is not only recommended, but indeed necessary to avoid the needless wrecking of oneself.

However, Mr. Cube’s decree is not the be-all end-all of my need for speed, rather, I view it as the starting point instead of the end destination.

Despite this observation, we can turn to the incredibly well-spoken Ke$ha who proclaims, “Wake up in the mornin’ feelin’ like P Diddy.” Unpacking this, we come to understand Ms. Dollar-sign Ha’s true emotions and intent upon waking in the morning. P Diddy is clearly a man of great fame and reputation. He is a man who lives in the fast lane. Simply by doing so, his need for speed is satiated.

But for someone like me, someone who does not have the fortune of living in a constant state of speed like Mr. Diddy, this is simply not enough. I need more.

Where then do I turn?

Perhaps the answer lies with the man who has never failed to impress. The one man, nay, the one prophet whose words and teachings can never be forgotten. So legendary and epic are his acts that one would be forgiven for claiming them to be miracles.

I’m talking, of course, about Jay-Z.

In his preachings, he states, “I’m so far ahead of my time; I’m bout to start another life. Look behind you, I’m bout to pass you twice.”

The impact of this one phrase is not immediately obvious, but its significance simply cannot be overstated. To start, let’s look at the first sentence. Mr. Z is effectively saying that being so far ahead of his time, he’s about to start another life.

Now, does this mean that he’s symbolically ahead of his time, perhaps implying sociological and societal transcendence? No, I think that would be too obvious.

Instead, I believe that Mr. Z is physically ahead of his time. How can this be? How can one be physically ahead of one’s time?

Remember, Jay-Z is a gifted prophet. He works in enigmatic but always impressive ways. Is it really so hard to believe that Mr. Z is capable of moving physically ahead in time?

Science and mathematics state that one can’t travel ahead in time. By speeding up close to the speed of light, time for that individual would pass slower than one traveling through the universe at a slower speed. However, there is nothing that states moving ahead in time is possible (except for like, black holes or something).

To understand this further, we must look to the second sentence of his preachings. He states, “Look behind you, I’m bout to pass you twice.”

There is perhaps no greater proof to Mr. Z’s exemplary bending of space-time than this one phrase. Just look at what he’s saying.

He says, “I’m bout to pass you twice.” This is clear and irrefutable proof that Mr. Z has found a way to travel so fast as to literally traverse the universe at mind boggling speeds. He can cross the universe and catch you again even after you’ve barely taken any steps!

My friends, it is absolutely clear that Jay-Z has indeed satiated his need for speed. It with his teachings in mind that we should venture forth and attempt to feed our need for speed.

By following his teachings, we too may one day feed our need for speed. I don’t think we will be able to possess the ungodly command of speed like Mr. Z, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

At this point, I’m just trying to say “need for speed” as many times as possible before closing out this piece. As a result of my brilliance and quite frankly flawless analysis, we can now all go forth and feed our neeed…for speed!

Also, Dream Theater.

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